


The Name Change

by RhododendronWilliams



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Halibut, Names, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-11
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2017-12-26 07:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/963068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhododendronWilliams/pseuds/RhododendronWilliams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A general name change is instated in Night Vale, and a mysterious music keeps playing in a loop. But is time itself looping? And would it matter if it was?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Name Change

 

Blinding pain. Deafening pain.

Bright, searing pain.

Horrifying pain, glorifying pain.

Purifying horror.

Pain, pain, _pain_.

 

Welcome. To Night Vale.

 

The city council has announced that a universal name change is being instated in Night Vale. The type of change depends on the initial. All citizens with an A name must add a letter to it, and those with a B name must deduct a letter from it. It doesn't matter which letter and where. C names will remain the same.. but they must be pronounced differently. Well, I suppose that makes me Ceceel, and Carlos is... Cayrlos? Car-lose? This is going to get tricky. Names beginning with D will be shortened so that the D is dropped. If you are unhappy with these changes, you may request a new name at the magistrate's office. Prepare with four or five name suggestions, as there will be strict criteria. Forbidden names include Hepzibah, Cthulhu, Zarathustra, and Steve. Next week: initials E through H. Thanks to Aljexander Webb of the city council.

A strange music has been invading Night Vale this week. It began in the high school cafeteria, moved on to Old Woman Josie's house, and has reached Big Rico's Pizza today. The music consists of humming, high-pitched female voices singing ”yes, oh yes”, and a particularly loud tuba solo in the middle. Approximately every five minutes, the music goes back to the beginning. This infinite loop has been playing since two days ago. High school principal Avid Hurston says, ”We are no longer sure if the music is still playing, or if it has burned into our brain and will never stop. Never, ever stop. I will be hearing this music til the day I die. Oh Lord have mercy on me.” I find the song quite soothing, I must say. Carlos, however, is concerned. His theory is that we are stuck in an infinite time loop, so that the same ten minutes are repeated over and over, and we only notice the music looping because it has a shorter span than our loop. His proof is that he is leaving leaving Post-It notes around the house, and they keep disappearing. I told him this has always been so. Post-It notes, much like guitars and vending machines, just don't work in Night Vale. Strangely, I don't think that soothed him at all.

The city council have made a new statement about names. ”We know we said next week, but we just couldn't wait. All E names must invert the order of their name, so that, for instance, Emily becomes Ylime. People with F names must add two letters to their names, but in two different places. I.e. If your name is Fiona, Feiobna is OK, Febiona is _not_ OK. G names may remain the same, or they may not. That is out of our control. And finally, H names must add a C before the H, thus creating more ch-names. We like those ch-names. These changes will take effect immediately. The Sheriff's Secret Police will be visiting all affected houses and apartments tonight to collect the new names, so be sure to be home and open the door at the first ring.” They added, ”Or else,” before pounding the gavel. So stay at home, folks, and hasten to answer the door.

Ladies and gentlemen, the music has changed! The instrumental part is the same – even down to that all-too-familiar tuba solo – but the female voices are no longer singing ”yes, oh yes”. They are now saying ”guess, oh guess”. I must admit I'm perplexed by this. Guess what? Why guess? If anyone can discern more lyrics, please call in immediately. I told Carlos that this proves we are not in an infinite time loop, but he just shook his head and asked me, ”Do you remember waking up this morning?” I must admit I do not, but that is nothing new. In Night Vale, sometimes you do not remember. You learn to not ask if someone remembers; I told Carlos it is considered poor manners. Memory lapses can happen, and they are not proof that this morning happened 500 years ago, and after that the same ten minutes have been repeating over and over, and never shall stop repeating.

When you think about it, really, would it matter if we were in a time loop? A person can only exist in one moment at a time. How can we tell there is a future and a past? Are those not only constructs of our minds? Is time not a human-made concept? If my otherwise perfect, beautiful Carlos learned to be more philosophical about things, his brilliant brain could get some rest. I should treat him to a nice dinner tonight, to relax him a little. Perhaps some halibut. Nothing cures paranoia better than a nice grilled halibut. Remember, the Greater Night Vale Area Medical Community recommends eating halibut twice a week!

Old Woman Josie has announced that she will not be changing her name. Her statement is as follows: ”I have been Old Woman Josie since 20 years ago, before which I was Middle-aged Woman Josie, and before that Josie Junior, and before that, Baby Josie. Josie is the one part of my name that has never changed, and it must remain the same. If you demand me to change it, I cannot answer for what the angels will do.” The city council had an emergency meeting on this, and finally concluded that they shall allow immunity to Old Woman Josie, as she is the oldest citizen, but this has nothing to do with the supposed angels who do not exist. Exemption was also granted to Marcus Vanston, because he is so wealthy. However, the name change applies to everyone else, and there shall be no more exceptions after this.

Because of the C name pronunciation change, Steve Carlsberg has changed his name to Steve Carlserg. The fool! He could have been Carlsborg or Calsberg, and he goes and takes the B away. This is why the city council should have given us no choice in the matter. Idiots like Steve Carls..erg cannot use their freedoms right. After this, I am even less likely to mention him on my show, or read anything he has sent in.

 

And now-

 

Blinding pain. Deafening pain.

Bright, searing pain.

Horrifying pain, glorifying pain.

Purifying horror.

Pain, pain, _pain_.

 

Welcome. To Night Vale..

 


End file.
